Many years ago, when confronted by the question, “Are you happy?” I distinctly recall my reaction. Though the individual posing it was being completely sincere, I felt it was a ludicrous thing to ask. How could something so simple seem like such a strange query? As she awaited a response; my mind, only partially aware of the ever increasing lull in the conversation, was desperately trying to piece together some semblance of a reply. I stumbled around a bit and timidly answered with, “I guess”. After that, the rest of the exchange was a blur.

Looking back on it now, I understand why I reacted in that manner. It was a subtle form of shock. There I was, in my early twenties, never having contemplated whether or not I was truly happy at the deepest level of my being. In fact, up until that point, I don’t think I even considered happiness an option or an emotion associated with living life. Sure, I had fleeting moments of joy, but real, concrete happiness always seemed to be a nice fantasy reserved for someone else.

For me, life at that point had become completely unintentional. I lived to get things done and that was that. I was working and going to college, but all of my experiences were devoid of passion, drive, purpose, clarity and meaning.

Other than the emotion of fear, I had little reason to get out of bed in the morning. Fear and anxiety became my sole motivators for living. I stayed at a job where I was underpaid and under appreciated because of the fear of trying something new. I went to school, not for myself or because I enjoyed it, but because I was scared of what my family would think if I didn’t go and terrified of what would become of me without a degree.

I engaged in one unhealthy relationship after another because I was fearful of having something worthwhile and someone who honestly cared about me. My relationships (both friendly and romantic) were a reflection of how I felt about myself on the inside. I didn’t believe I was worthy of sincerely being cared for in anything more than a superficial manner, so I found people who were more than willing to oblige and second that sentiment.

Even my exercise program was driven by fear. I worked out to the point of seriously injuring myself on more than one occasion (through extreme forms of weight training) because I was fearful of the alternative: looking “normal” or “average.”

When you have an extremely rigid, fear based mentality, concerning the majority of your interactions and experiences, it’s easy to see how someone can become cynical and devoid of joy. While I wasn’t super successful in terms of material gain and financial wealth, during this phase in my life, I did obtain many of the things we’ve been led to believe induce happiness, yet I was far from living in that state of being.

The “happiness question” planted a seed within me. Though it didn’t sprout overnight, to this day it continues to be the inspiration for everything I pursue in my life. Real, concrete happiness is a state of being which can only be internally realized (not possessed) through the lack of attachment to any outcomes or circumstances, but it has to begin with a realization. I believe that realization is the moment we grant ourselves permission to feel, explore and find out who we are; not the person our family, friends, co-workers, customers, or even strangers expect us to be, but who we are.

If we aren’t granting ourselves permission to explore our true nature, then the majority of our relationships are built on false pretenses anyway. How often do we play a deceptive role or diminish ourselves just to fit in or to make someone else feel content and not threatened by our choices?

When exploring this concept, I’m reminded of a quote by Nelson Mandela:

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I was miserable because I was conforming to what others expected of me; primarily trying to please people who didn’t care about me; trying to entice people to care about me who were as devoid of joy and meaning as I was; performing unfulfilling tasks for empty paychecks; engaging in pursuits I derived no value from, and attaching myself to every outcome and circumstance – all because I was unable to grant myself permission to find my true nature and break free from the fearful role I was playing. I conformed and played the part I was expected to play, while becoming little more than a scared, twisted-up-knot of misery.

Our light doesn’t shine when we “play the game” that’s expected of us. The game itself is built on fear and the system thrives (while the majority of humanity suffers) as we are playing small and in fear mode. Our light shines when we grant ourselves permission to tear down the walls of conformity; when we take chances; when we throw the rules out the window and grow through self-exploration and unique, individual expression.

None of this is meant to be an excuse to treat others poorly. As we begin to engage in a sincere, honest relationship with ourselves, all of our other relationships will benefit because we will be truly connecting. Some relationships may fall away, but that’s only natural as we grow and make major life changes.

Each and every stage of growth begins with that first step of granting ourselves permission. And, each and every stage of moving closer to recognizing real happiness begins with the same step.

If this entry has been beneficial to you, please consider sharing it with others via the email and social bookmarking links below.

Posts Related to Granting Yourself Permission

Believing in Yourself
Blazing Your Own Trail
Self Truths: Part 1
Shaking off Social Pressure to Achieve Self Actualization
Realizing Your Purpose